What to Do When Life's Not Easy

For some reason it hits us by surprise. Despite the adage “Life’s not fair,” despite Buddha’s first noble truth, “Life is suffering,” we can get blindsided when our expectations of life don’t line up with reality. It’s not easy to deal when our plans fall apart. It’s not easy to handle fatigue when you have to keep moving. It’s not easy to show up when you want to stay home; to juggle the responsibilities you didn’t realize you were getting yourself into.  It’s not easy to catch a curveball. Yet I think we tend to forget it’s not supposed to be easy. At least, I have a tendency to forget it’s not supposed to be easy. I notice I get pretty darn disgruntled and bent out of shape when life doesn’t go the way I want. Those feelings of frustration, I also notice, are the real obstructions to an easy life. It’s not the curve balls and fatigue that cause difficulty, it’s our reaction to the tough stuff that make life what it is.

With that said, I wanted to share a few steps that have helped me along my own bumpy road. Here is what to do when life is not easy:

1. Notice. When difficulty creeps in and starts to cause a quality of unease in life, our knee-jerk reaction is to deny that it’s happening and seek whatever pleasure with which we can distract ourselves. Overworking and over consuming are two examples of distractions that come to mind, but there’s something for everyone out there. I think on a subconscious level, we notice the unease before we cognitively recognize it, and, due to habit, we run away from it before we give ourselves a chance to realize we’re unhappy. The power of denial is a strong coping mechanism, but it can hinder one from living a happy life. Honesty = happiness. We can’t be honest with ourselves until we can learn to pause, and notice when we’re not having an easy time. Before we can feel better about what’s going on, we first have to notice what’s going on. 

      The pause is crucial in this step. Stop, and check in: notice any physical sensations. Do you have 

      butterflies in your belly? Is there tightness in your chest? How do your neck and shoulders feel? Notice the climate in your mind. Take note of any thoughts that come, any emotions you can put your finger on. Just notice.

2.  Admit it. This is a tough one, because generally we don’t like to admit we’re having a tough time. Our culture puts pressure on us by pumping out visuals, via the media, of how our lives should look. We get these pictures of cohesive families with happy pets and children; pictures of working mothers who seem to be able to handle a career and housework; pictures of men in suits happily pulling their new car into the driveway of their home. Flip through a magazine or turn on the TV, you’ll see these pictures and your mind might think, I can have that. Monkey see, monkey do. The thing about these pictures is this: the difficulty of trying to stay on top of all this stuff – the family, the pets, the job, the housework, paying for the new car, the mortgage – is not shown. When we’re feeling like we’re drowning in all the stuff we thought we could handle, we also feel alone; we feel like we’re the only ones having a tough time and we’re afraid to admit it because we don’t want to feel inadequate, or weak. It’s up to us to realize the reality of life and admit that it’s difficult.

The key in this step is acceptance. When you can admit that life’s not easy, you’re also accepting this fact. Practicing acceptance is a self-strengthening action because you own up to the reality of the situation. When you accept a situation is the way it is, you are telling yourself that you are strong enough to handle it. Remember, honesty = happiness. The truth will set you free, every time.

3.   Forgive.  It’s not easy to notice difficulty and admit difficulty. This is where forgiveness comes in. Forgiveness is the salve that will soothe the sadness you feel when you realize and admit life is not easy. The ticket here is to be gentle with your self. Show some self-love. Tell your self it’s okay. Forgive the frustrations you feel. Forgive the roadblock. Forgive those that are giving you a tough time. Forgive the whole situation. Forgiveness might not be easy; it might be a foreign concept. See if you can soften your stance toward whatever is plaguing you by realizing difficulty is necessary for growth and forgiveness is necessary for humanity.

4.    Keep going. Yup, don’t stop. You’ll probably feel emotionally raw from addressing your stress but that’s okay, just keep moving. Know that life isn’t about feeling great all the time; it’s okay to feel down. You’re doing a great job. You really are. Now keep breathing, keep waking up in the morning and do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Be kind – to yourself and others. Do a little something positive for yourself each day: catch up with an old friend. Take a dance class. Practice your art. Take a bath and let yourself melt. Cook a delicious meal, sit down and let yourself enjoy it. Talk to someone. Know you’re not alone. Know that you’re strong enough to handle whatever is on your plate. You’re being forged by fire, so own it and keep moving, one step at a time.

So there it is. Four steps to take when life’s not easy: notice it, admit it, forgive it, and keep going. Remember to pause. Remember to practice acceptance. Be kind to yourself, and put one foot in front of the other.  Lastly, remember that a smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.

Much love.