What to Do When Life's Not Easy

For some reason it hits us by surprise. Despite the adage “Life’s not fair,” despite Buddha’s first noble truth, “Life is suffering,” we can get blindsided when our expectations of life don’t line up with reality. It’s not easy to deal when our plans fall apart. It’s not easy to handle fatigue when you have to keep moving. It’s not easy to show up when you want to stay home; to juggle the responsibilities you didn’t realize you were getting yourself into.  It’s not easy to catch a curveball. Yet I think we tend to forget it’s not supposed to be easy. At least, I have a tendency to forget it’s not supposed to be easy. I notice I get pretty darn disgruntled and bent out of shape when life doesn’t go the way I want. Those feelings of frustration, I also notice, are the real obstructions to an easy life. It’s not the curve balls and fatigue that cause difficulty, it’s our reaction to the tough stuff that make life what it is.

With that said, I wanted to share a few steps that have helped me along my own bumpy road. Here is what to do when life is not easy:

1. Notice. When difficulty creeps in and starts to cause a quality of unease in life, our knee-jerk reaction is to deny that it’s happening and seek whatever pleasure with which we can distract ourselves. Overworking and over consuming are two examples of distractions that come to mind, but there’s something for everyone out there. I think on a subconscious level, we notice the unease before we cognitively recognize it, and, due to habit, we run away from it before we give ourselves a chance to realize we’re unhappy. The power of denial is a strong coping mechanism, but it can hinder one from living a happy life. Honesty = happiness. We can’t be honest with ourselves until we can learn to pause, and notice when we’re not having an easy time. Before we can feel better about what’s going on, we first have to notice what’s going on. 

      The pause is crucial in this step. Stop, and check in: notice any physical sensations. Do you have 

      butterflies in your belly? Is there tightness in your chest? How do your neck and shoulders feel? Notice the climate in your mind. Take note of any thoughts that come, any emotions you can put your finger on. Just notice.

2.  Admit it. This is a tough one, because generally we don’t like to admit we’re having a tough time. Our culture puts pressure on us by pumping out visuals, via the media, of how our lives should look. We get these pictures of cohesive families with happy pets and children; pictures of working mothers who seem to be able to handle a career and housework; pictures of men in suits happily pulling their new car into the driveway of their home. Flip through a magazine or turn on the TV, you’ll see these pictures and your mind might think, I can have that. Monkey see, monkey do. The thing about these pictures is this: the difficulty of trying to stay on top of all this stuff – the family, the pets, the job, the housework, paying for the new car, the mortgage – is not shown. When we’re feeling like we’re drowning in all the stuff we thought we could handle, we also feel alone; we feel like we’re the only ones having a tough time and we’re afraid to admit it because we don’t want to feel inadequate, or weak. It’s up to us to realize the reality of life and admit that it’s difficult.

The key in this step is acceptance. When you can admit that life’s not easy, you’re also accepting this fact. Practicing acceptance is a self-strengthening action because you own up to the reality of the situation. When you accept a situation is the way it is, you are telling yourself that you are strong enough to handle it. Remember, honesty = happiness. The truth will set you free, every time.

3.   Forgive.  It’s not easy to notice difficulty and admit difficulty. This is where forgiveness comes in. Forgiveness is the salve that will soothe the sadness you feel when you realize and admit life is not easy. The ticket here is to be gentle with your self. Show some self-love. Tell your self it’s okay. Forgive the frustrations you feel. Forgive the roadblock. Forgive those that are giving you a tough time. Forgive the whole situation. Forgiveness might not be easy; it might be a foreign concept. See if you can soften your stance toward whatever is plaguing you by realizing difficulty is necessary for growth and forgiveness is necessary for humanity.

4.    Keep going. Yup, don’t stop. You’ll probably feel emotionally raw from addressing your stress but that’s okay, just keep moving. Know that life isn’t about feeling great all the time; it’s okay to feel down. You’re doing a great job. You really are. Now keep breathing, keep waking up in the morning and do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Be kind – to yourself and others. Do a little something positive for yourself each day: catch up with an old friend. Take a dance class. Practice your art. Take a bath and let yourself melt. Cook a delicious meal, sit down and let yourself enjoy it. Talk to someone. Know you’re not alone. Know that you’re strong enough to handle whatever is on your plate. You’re being forged by fire, so own it and keep moving, one step at a time.

So there it is. Four steps to take when life’s not easy: notice it, admit it, forgive it, and keep going. Remember to pause. Remember to practice acceptance. Be kind to yourself, and put one foot in front of the other.  Lastly, remember that a smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.

Much love.

Pregnancy and Puppies

So far pregnancy has taught me that I’m not perfect like I always wanted to be. I mess up. I get frustrated, and allow the frustrations to momentarily take over as I huff and puff and blow out strings of expletives the world doesn’t need to hear, let alone the baby.  I get moody, and forget about all the things I should be grateful for. I get lazy; I sit and do nothing with a cat on my lap while gazing at a dirty kitchen because I believe providing a resting place for a furry friend is a nobler activity than doing dishes. My grandma would be aghast at the way I take care of my home.  I don’t put the most optimal foods in my body all the time. I’ve even imbibed wine on a few occasions, enjoying the relaxation, at the same time wondering if I’m contributing to fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, or whatever it’s called.

The greatest imperfection I’ve found in myself, which is an umbrella for all imperfections heretofore mentioned, is the fact that I’m having trouble giving up myself for this other human being inside of me. I wasn’t expecting this. I thought I was going to instantly morph into Mother Teresa upon conception and revel in motherly sacrifice. I thought I was going to get high off the joy of putting myself, my wants, desires and cares aside for the child. I thought I was going to keep a perfect house, put perfect foods into my body, put perfect thoughts into my mind, and let perfect words flow out of my mouth. Yet I find I’m struggling for inspiration to get stoked over the little being that’s been taking over my body and my life.  I never knew I was so selfish until I got preggo.

The pup has been showing me up as well, providing for me a pretty humbling experience. I never knew I could love something so much in one moment and in the next, despise the little monster. I seriously question the sanity of those happy go lucky looking people walking their dogs about town. I want to ask them, one, “what were you thinking, bringing a dog into your home??” and two, “how did you get one so well behaved??”  Intellectually I know the answers to both questions. The first one is that a dog’s love is unlike any love you’ll encounter and the answer to the second question is that the behavior thing takes WORK. And time. And loads of patience… All things I found I actually wasn’t ready to give. This realization really freaked me out, because if I wasn’t ready to give the work, time and patience it takes to raise a puppy, how was I going to expect myself to be cool giving all that (and more so) to a human child???

Humbling, indeed. So I find out I’m not perfect, and also selfish to boot. I suppose it’s a good thing I’m coming to terms with all this before the baby arrives.  Jeff has been my rock and role model through all this. There was one moment in which I was lamenting over the puppy’s tortured cries from his crate and Jeff looked at me and asked, “when have you ever met a creature on this earth who can do exactly what he wants, all the time?” I was riled up, frustrated and wanting to argue so I pointed emphatically at the fluffy cat demurely poised on the kitchen counter and said, “CATS! Cats can do whatever they want, all the time, and they are the best pets EVER!”

However Jeff’s point was made, and I knew it the moment he made it.  The puppy needs to be taught the most important lesson in life and that is, life’s not fair: sometimes we just can’t do what we want, when we want. There are rules, and the rules are there for good reason, the rules allow for happy and safe cohabitation among all creatures. Being the individual that has to teach the pup this super hard lesson is more difficult than learning the lesson. I just hate the cries. I hate being the bad guy; I want to be his loving, fun friend all the time. The puppy and me are learning the difficult “life’s not fair lesson” together.

I’m reminded of one of the most important books I’ve read in my life: Karma-Yoga and Bhakti-Yoga by Swami Vivekananda. For any person struggling to come to terms with his duty in life, I recommend reading the Karma-yoga section of this book. I read the book at a time in which I was doing exactly what I wanted, so the lessons weren’t driven home until now, when I find myself not doing what I want all the time. Swami Vivekananda reminds us “the cause of all the miseries we have in the world is that men foolishly think pleasure to be the ideal to strive for.” Pleasure is something that is fleeting, and the real goal to strive for in life is knowledge, which is lasting and useful. Vivekananda goes on: “Happiness and misery have an equal share in molding character, and in some instances misery is a better teacher than happiness.” So we think we gain pleasure by doing exactly what we want, all the time, and we do, for a time – but it doesn’t last. What really fills us up as human beings is the knowledge we gain from practicing the discipline it takes to fulfill the duties we signed up for. That’s where the real love comes from.

So it’s not easy for Max to hang out in his crate, away from his pack, but that’s what keeps him safe while his humans are off fulfilling the duties that allow us to keep the home and lifestyle we have.  Sometimes I’d rather not run around with him in the yard but that’s what keeps him a happy and healthy pup – it might not be pleasurable for me at the time because maybe I’d rather be sitting, staring at dirty dishes with a cat on my lap - but I must remember that surface-level pleasure and pain are inconsequential in the whole scheme of life compared to the gratification one gains from a little act of selflessness. Maybe I’d rather choose chocolate and wine over kale and a big dose of protein but I must remember that the chocolate ends, the wine glass empties; what lasts is the nutrition I can give to my baby.

So I’m not perfect, but I’m learning and that’s all I can ask for from myself. I’m grateful for these humbling puppy/pregnancy experiences because they’ve been teaching me a great deal about myself, and about the way I want to live my life. Chocolate and wine, and cats on my lap are certainly things to be enjoyed but I’m finding there’s more out there – there’s something deeper to experience. Maybe I’m learning how to be a mother.