This Being Human...

A loved one of mine suffers from addiction. I've watched him struggle with it; watched him move through homelessness, rehab facilities, jail time, hospitalization and near-death experiences for over a decade now, and it's had an effect on me. When I can extricate myself from the pain and fear I feel for this person, I find addiction to be a fascinating human phenomenon, and I read up on it so I can understand the struggle.

The truth is, we live in a pretty addiction-ridden society; it's not just drugs and alcohol we attach ourselves to - it can be the processed sugar in our morning muffin, the TV show that enables you to check out, the card game you need to play just one more time, the brown leathery skin I see some people obsessed with attaining, the breast implants some women believe can never be big enough; I see addiction in the skeletal physique of a woman who can't be thin enough... Humans can become addicted to thought patterns, or certain images of themselves or others; addiction is apparent in abusive relationships - a person can simply be addicted to the rush of remorseful love that follows pain. Why is that? How, and why, do we so deeply attach ourselves to these substances, images, thoughts and feelings?

I don't really have an answer. I do know that the human body is an amazingly efficient and intelligent system, but it's possible for it to get confused, and out of whack. I've read that every cell in the human body (an estimated 50 trillion cells - correct me if I'm wrong) is equipped with a certain intelligence, and this intelligence gets used to what we give it. It's like each of our cells has a memory of its own, which leads me to view addiction as a holistic disease - it starts with a distorted image or idea in the mind, and proceeds to take over the whole body (if this is confusing, I recommend reading Deepak Chopra's Quantum Healing: Exploring the Frontiers of Mind/Body Medicine, as he explains this more clearly than I can, and with more depth).

So, addiction is something that starts in the mind - spurred by a thought pattern or conviction that's attached to the memory. The cells in the body pick up on it, causing the addiction to occur on a cellular level - making it pretty dang hard to detach oneself from whatever the body may be addicted to. Every cell in that body is egging him on to feed the addiction - causing him to act impulsively in striving for the object of his addiction, which leads to feelings of guilt, shame, or justification of the impulsive actions - and those negative feelings and justifications perpetuate the addiction.

My tender heart recognizes the struggle, and it goes out to those who experience this. It's kind of humanly impossible to eradicate addiction unless one realizes how deep the struggle goes.  Unless one learns how to develop the practice of pausing, and summoning silence, before one acts on his impulses...

Unfortunately the addicts that I have observed in my life can be pretty self-righteous, believing that it's simply a matter of will power, that they can stop when and if they want. I saw this a couple years ago when my loved one was going through treatment at a rehab center. I had the opportunity to attend meetings every Wednesday night - held for those in treatment, and their family and friends. I think the  intention of these meetings were to give family and friends a better understanding of what the users were struggling with, and also to let the users know they had a support system.

I remember feeling annoyed with my loved one at these meetings, as it was apparent that he had no interest in admitting he had a problem - to himself, let alone a room full of people. I'd pipe up and put in my two cents and I'd pose questions to the group, trying to participate in an effort to put us both on a path toward understanding and healing - all the while feeling my loved one seething in embarrassed, stubborn silence beside me.

The time came for him to "graduate" from his treatment, and at the last of these meetings, I had an opportunity to address him in front of the group. I could have told him anything. I wracked my brain for the right words of wisdom my immature, 23-year-old self could summon. Something told me this could be my one and only chance to tell him what I felt while he was sober, some-what humble, and listening. Ultimately I decided to speak to the good, loving, pained person I saw inside him, not the ugly user that felt compelled to lie, cheat and steal. I told him, simply - with a room full of witnesses - that I would love him no matter what. That I would support him - no matter what, always.

I go back to that night, that meeting, that opportunity - often. I think back to that night on the few occasions when I see him, glossy eyed and checked-out, and I think, Man! Maybe I should have been mean. Maybe I should have threatened him. Maybe I should have put on a stern face, looked him in the eye, dropped an F-bomb, and said, "If you mess up, I will disown you."

But I don't think that would have worked, either. What I want to tell him now is something I'd like to share with my readers, because I think it's something we should all try and remember, whether we're struggling with an addiction or not. It is this:

There is a story about a successful business man, who was interviewed by a news reporter. This man had it all: wealth, happiness, health, love... and the reporter, recognizing this, asked him,

"Sir, what is your secret to success?"

The man replied, "Three words. Making good decisions."

The reporter then asked, "How do you know how to make good decisions?"

"One word. Experience." - Was his answer.

The reporter came back with, "Okaaay... how do you gain the experience that enables you to make good decisions?"

"Three words," He answered -  "Making bad decisions."

So you see, making bad choices, making mistakes - is part of the process. You can't know how to live a good life unless you mess up a bit. This being human is a very, very difficult thing. We're all groping blindly, trying to deal with the hand that's been dealt to us. How are we to know how to deal? We do the best we can. Messing up, falling off the wagon, hurting someone else, what-have-you, will inevitably happen, because we are human. What matters is how you respond to your bad decisions. You have a choice: you can either be mindful of your mistake, address it, learn from it, forgive yourself and move on; or you can can let it lead you into a downward spiral of negativity.

Remember that 10% of life is the uncontrollable stuff that happens to you. 90% of life is how you react, or respond to that crap. That's a big chunk of life that's left up to you. You always have the choice of how to respond. You can't know how to respond unless you know how to pause, mentally remove yourself from your habitual tendencies, observe them for what they are, and choose a course of action that's better for you. That's waaaay easier said than done - it takes time and practice - but it starts with being honest with yourself, forgiving yourself, and then being mindful.

Addiction is a pretty scary thing. Even if it's possible to heal, it can leave some nasty scar tissue. But the cool thing is that it's possible to rise above. It's Possible. I commend the individuals who rise above it everyday. Everyday they realize it's up to them to make the choice for their own greater good... I'm sure some days are easier than others... but it's that struggle, the honesty with the struggle, and the ultimate realization that they are not their addiction - they are something more - a conscious, living, choosing human being - is what it's all about.