A bit about Fear...

… Fear is at the root of what inhibits us from living the life that we choose. Specifically, it’s not fear in itself that keeps us from living our dream life, it’s the way in which we respond to fear that keeps us from living a life in which we greet each new day with joy and exuberance... A life filled with wonder and zest; a life sprinkled with miracles – a life in which you are living freely, for everyday you get to do the work that makes you feel alive and purposeful, for you get to share the gifts that are uniquely yours.

That life is possible. You can live that life, the one you want. It’s actually here – right in front of you, waiting for you to courageously name what you want, pay attention to the fears that squeeze your heart, and change your reaction to them. Instead of shutting down in the face of fear and escaping from the discomfort, using whatever your tactic may be – over-consuming, overworking, tangling yourself in the dramas created in your mind, to name a few – instead of pushing that fear away or covering it up, look into it.

Get curious. Inquire into the nature of your hesitation with life. Inquire into the nature of whatever it is that puts a wall between you and others. Inquire into the antsy, anxiousness you feel in the mind when you find yourself in a time of transition – driving home from work for example, or moving homes, or beginning a new job or a relationship. Inquire into the list of reasons (your mind creates) not to follow your heart… too much money… too much commitment… too unusual, what will people think? … What if I fail?

The list goes on. Inquire into all of that. Summon courage and pause. Sit with the anxiousness you feel, observe the qualities of it. How does it feel in the body? What is the quality of your breath? How does it feel in your heart? How does it feel in your throat? Ask yourself what you’re afraid of, really. Probe deeper when you get answers, notice what you feel. Allow all of your feelings to be there. Allow each to present itself, for they will bring you the gift of wisdom, and with wisdom comes the strength to follow your bliss.

Here’s the key: inquire into all of that with kindness. The stuff we have a tendency to push away is deep and scary to look at; you probably don’t pause and pull it up very often, for it’s part of the human condition to escape discomfort and strive for pleasure. We hold onto a lot of memories from past experiences that have shaped who we are. Some are good. Some are bad. Both good and bad are necessary for growth in life. Bad feelings may bubble up when sitting with fear, left over from bad memories held in the body. Allowing these feelings to be there is necessary in order to make peace with them; sitting with them with a forgiving, kind and loving heart is the healing medicine you need in order to realize that you are not your fear. You are large enough, powerful enough to hold your fear in your heart in the same way a mother holds a child in hers. Hold it in your heart and forge on; it doesn’t have to hold you back.

So when we sit with fear and look into it, we find at the root of all fear is fear of death. Death of a moment, death of an age, death of a relationship, death of the ego, death of a life – what have you – we are very afraid of the inevitable end. It’s understandable, fear of death must be built into us in a deep and pervading way - fear of death is a survival instinct. So again, we must approach fear with respect and kindness – it’s there for a reason.

However, it’s our fear of death that is the cause for our tendency to attach ourselves to pleasure, praise, work, people, relationships, thought patterns, stories, emotions, you name it. Attachment is a big issue with humans; it’s the cause of suffering. The moment we are born, we take a dive off the cliff of life, and, falling through the space of life and tumbling towards death, we flail, we reach, we grasp for any rock, nook or cranny to hold onto, to slow it down, to escape it, to cheat death. We fight the fall. We fight it by grasping for things that will distract us from the inevitable. That’s called attachment.

The thing about attachment is that the objects of our attachments will always slip away, break off, turn to dust and blow away in the wind. We know this, so we stress out about hanging on to them. We grow fearful we’ll lose them. Our attachments are temporary band-aids covering up the real problem, and that is we’re falling, we don’t know what’s going to happen, and we’re afraid. When we can see our attachments for what they are we can decide if they serve us, and we can decide to let them go. The freedom you gain, the energy you save from letting go of attachments that do not serve you will aid you on the path to your bliss.

What if we can jump off the cliff and, instead of flailing, fearful - what if we choose to soar? The fear can be there - after all, we are soaring through uncertainty, and towards death – but what if we can hold that fear with kindness and courageously accept all that comes, as it comes. When we can choose to accept the uncertainty and laugh with the fear, we can open our eyes and see all the delicious possibility of life. Life is a gift, and it’s for us to do with what we will. We can sleep through it, or wake up to it. We can flail or soar.  The choice is ours. 

Choosing a good life is not an easy path at times. It takes facing fears, looking inside, forgiving yourself and letting go of pains and gains, which takes commitment and practice. However I think it's worth it... I think I'm tired of scraping my fingers on the the cliffside, grasping to attach myself in order to escape the inevitable. Might as well take a risk and let go, fly in the uncertainty, notice the view, laugh at the turbulence, get curious and have a little fun while we've got this life, this space to soar. 

3 Powerful Lessons I've Learned from Growing Dreadlocks, Going Raw and Kicking Intoxicants

I've made a few changes in the last few months, as you can gather from the title of this blog. The dreadlocks came first; around the last week in May I stopped shampooing and brushing my hair, which is a pretty extreme thing to do considering the upbringing I had and the image-driven culture in which I dwell. When I let go of maintaining my hair in the way society told me I should, the idea of applying make-up also seemed silly to me, so I stopped doing that as well. I also stopped tweezing my eyebrows - something I was always convinced I should do. I decided that when I look in the mirror, I want to see me, every rogue hair, freckle and spot - not the little tweaks I made in order to cover that stuff up so I could feel like the world will accept me for my prettied face.

Once I stopped trying to cover up the stuff that society deems unacceptable, I felt my mask melt off. I started shining from the inside, knowing that I had the courage to bare my imperfections. Once I was able to bare my "imperfections," I realized I didn't really have any, that it was all made up in my mind, put there by my conditioning, silly magazine articles and television ads. I've faced my little fears and realized that it doesn't matter what others think of my appearance, which is kind of my message in this whole deadlocks thing. When it comes to appearance, it's important to adorn oneself in a way that aligns with what's going on inside, despite what others around you may think. My inner Viking warrior-princess is coming out, for this is the first time in my life I've empowered myself in taking control of my physical appearance by giving up control, and looking the way God created this unique manifestation of the universe that is me... It's a liberating feeling.

In addition to these outwardly changes, I've stopped consuming animal products and refined/processed food. Cleaning out my system in that way motivated me to stop drinking alcohol and caffeine. I'm proud to say I'm coming up on my fourth month sober from alcohol and caffeine (with a couple hiccups along the way on the caffeine front). I think I was born drinking coffee from the teat, so that was a rough one to kick.

These are some pretty significant changes, and inevitably I've learned some things along the way. Where ever you are in life right now, I'm hoping these three powerful lessons can resinate and be applicable on your own path.

1. Beauty blossoms from the inside - out. We all know this intuitively, but I think it's difficult to remember. This society's "beauty" industry preys on our human desire to be accepted by pumping out advertisements for clearer skin, longer lashes and flatter abs, what-have you, which in turn causes consumers to believe their eye lashes aren't already long enough, that acne is unacceptable, that a curvy tummy isn't beautiful. Don't fall into it! If you read these advertisements consciously, you'll find yourself reading language that comes from a place of inadequacy, between the lines they say "buy this product and we'll make you better," as if you need improvement... Wear mascara, wash your face, and join a gym - I don't care - but first remember that you're perfect already.

Don't buy into something so easily, first you must understand the seller's agenda. I come across women everyday who fret about something that they believe needs improving when it comes to their appearance - whether they believe they're aging, or gaining weight, or they're too short or too tall, or their breasts are too small or too big. It's a little bit ridiculous, and I have to ask, "where is this coming from, and why does it matter?" If anything, their stress over wrinkles and weight is the real contributor to the wrinkles and weight, and I blame this media-conditioned culture for making us believe we're not beautiful unless we're thin, smooth and shiny. Sorry, but I'm not a plastic barbie doll. No one is. So stop  buying into the bull and remember that you're beautiful already. Beauty is in your smile, and in the light in your eyes. It's in your movement, in your grace, in your speech.

It's very important to feel beautiful; I'm not dissing the idea of beauty. I'm dissing the skewed definition of beauty we've come to accept as real. Beauty starts in the silence of your mind. That's where you realize your beauty - when you give yourself quiet time and connect with yourself again. Beauty flourishes when you give to others. It blossoms when you engage in your favorite exercise and realize your strength. It comes alive when you practice creativity.

So quit buying beauty products and start smiling. Start giving time to yourself. Start practicing kindness toward others. Go get the blood pumping, get sweaty and drink water. Remember the creativity you liked to partake in as a child. I promise, you will never feel more beautiful, and others around you will notice, too.

2. Nothing tastes as good as self-empowerment feels. Nothing tastes as good as vitality feels. Seriously, stop eating crap. You will love yourself for it. If you can't stop eating crap, simply be mindful of the crap you're putting into your body and notice how it makes you feel. You owe yourself that much. Man, I love pizza. Ooey, gooey, doughy, satisfying, tasty bread and cheese. Yummy. Yet I've come to realize pizza puts me in a food coma whenever I indulge, and not only that, I've realized it's hard to stop eating it once I've started. One slice of pizza? Please. While I'm eating that one slice I'm already planning on eating two, but stressing out because it's so good I'm going to want three, but I know three slices might be too much and oh, wait - was I eating pizza? I'm too busy stressing to actually enjoy the one slice I'm working on. I don't like food having that control over me. I don't like eating something that I know is not optimal for me, that I know is addictive. Go google genetically modified wheat. Not only is is difficult to digest, but it contains a man-made protein that attaches itself to the opiate receptors in your system, thus acting like heroine, leaving you dissatisfied and wanting more. It's no joke, and it's everywhere.

Empower yourself by educating yourself on what you're putting into your body. You only get one body in this lifetime. It's the vehicle that moves you through your life, and the better you care for it, the better every facet of your life will be. Processed food drags you down and messes with your brain chemistry. It's easy to lose yourself to man-made, food-like substances, much like it's easy to lose your self to drugs. Food that Mother Earth made, in its purist form, is best for the human body - but don't take my word for it. Get on your favorite search engine, get on youtube, go talk to people, go to the bookstore and find out for yourself. In this world, educating yourself on the food you eat and switching up your diet takes an immense amount of courage and discipline. I can tell you this, as someone on the other side, it is worth it. The lightness in your step, the amount of energy you have, the clarity in your mind - I'll take that over pizza any day. Try it to believe it. If you live in the Portland area, I will make you green juice. I'm that amped on it.

3. Trusting your sober self is the most powerful, loving thing you can do for yourself.  When you stop consuming intoxicants, be it alcohol, caffeine, or any other form, your relationship with the intoxicant becomes clear, namely, the reasons why you partook and what kept you justifying it. The feeling is akin to stepping out of a haze and finding yourself again.

For me, I started drinking at a young age in order to be rebellious, to be cool, to stave off boredom and the pressures of being a teen. By the time I became an adult, alcohol was ingrained into my lifestyle, and it became something to do, something to enjoy with others. More deeply, it was a way to feel comfortable around others because I didn't trust myself to be witty, social, accepted - without it. After eleven years without a significant break, it was taking a toll on my body I didn't realize until I stopped. The dehydration, the hangovers, the fogginess in the brain, the lethargy and lack of motivation, I accepted as normal.

My decision to stop drinking is akin to my decision to grow my dreadlocks. Just like I let go of maintaining my hair in order to trust my own beauty again, I let go of alcohol in order to trust my own personality. I realized alcohol wasn't serving me in a positive way, and when I stopped I fell in love with my sober self. Trusting yourself is the best thing you can do for your self. It's not easy for most, and it takes courage. When you stop consuming intoxicants, you start feeling. You feel life as you felt it when you were a child. It's nice to get that youth back.

I've come to learn that the human body is a miracle. You've got everything you need to heal, stay alive, stay happy and stay balanced already inside of you. When we start mucking up that perfect system with food and drugs, it gets thrown out of whack and then we think we need more outside substances to help us feel better and keep us going. When you take a break from putting substances into your body, you feel that perfect system working to get you back into balance again. It's a powerful, loving practice to let your body be, trusting in its miraculous, intricate systems that work together in perfect harmony. When we ingest an intoxicant, it's like putting a wedge into that harmony. Have trust in your body's own healing powers. If you can do that, you can connect with yourself in a beautiful way.

I can go on forever about all this, so I will end by asking you to please message me via facebook or email if there's something you'd like to change in your lifestyle, or a substance you'd like to take a break from, but the task seems scary or daunting. I've been there, and it makes it easier if there's someone you can reach. Friendly support helps :) I'm here. I'm here to help you empower yourself. We're in this together!

Lot's of Love,

Caitlin